9/18 Movie Review - CAVEMAN

Every so often people ask, "What does 'bonus' mean?"

From now on, I'm pointing them to Caveman, starring Ringo Starr. Ooh, and Dennis Quaid and Shelley Long before they were famous. And Richard Moll as the Abominable Snowman.

1981 was an epic year for filmmaking- Raiders of the Lost Ark, Stripes, Cannonball Run, Chariots of Fire, The Fox and the Hound, An American Werewolf in London, Excalibur, Mad Max 2, Escape from New York, Time Bandits, Clash of the Titans, Scanners, The Howling, Heavy Metal, Dragonslayer, The Great Muppet Caper, Cheech & Chong's Nice Dreams, For Your Eyes Only (and only for youuuuu), and last but definitely not least, The Evil Dead. To this illustrious list, I must add Caveman.

Basic plot outline: Atouk (Starr) is a hapless caveman who lusts after the sexy mate (Barbara Bach) of the leader of the tribe (the Tooz! yeah, baby!). Atouk also happens to be a caveman genius. He gets booted from the clan for slipping the chief and his ladyfriend a prehistoric roofie. In his subsequent adventures he discovers fire, music, fried eggs, armor, weapons, and that love can overcome lust. And that friends are good. And the Abominable Snowman is lonely. Poor, poor Abominable Snowman. Oooh, and he eats weed-berries. As the trailer so eloquently states, "You'll discover why they called it 'the Stone Age!'"

I'm struggling, really, to describe this movie further, but I think it may be impossible. I think the best way to make those who haven't seen it understand the true amount of pure, clean bonus that exists is to describe it's possible effect upon our friends.

Zack- he picked it.
Matt- I loved it.
Skeeter- "I have to wash the bonus off because it's all over meeeeee!!!!"
Phil- would simultaneously punch himself in the nuts and ejaculate.
Ando- it would make his head bleed.
Scott- would laugh loudly, then grunt in confusion, then fall asleep.
Gr- wouldn't even sit through it.
Albert- would watch the entire thing with a slightly bemused look on his face.
Q- would want to watch it again with a director's commentary.
Ja- would watch it all, then mutter "Errr.... Bonus."
Smelcer- would be studying the law, preparing to marry a gorgeous doctor, and writing a brief for the 9th circuit court all while running a grueling marathon instead of actually watching the movie. but he'd say that he had free time and would totally hang out later this semester.

Caveman. So bonus. So beautiful.

Check out the trailer